Start Here - the Arc of Becoming

“There was a time that the pieces fit
But I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Strangled by our coveting
I’ve done the math enough to know
The dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow
And strengthen our communication”
- Maynard, Schism

My writing traces a single long arc — from trauma to wholeness, from silence to voice.

To make it easier to navigate, I’ve organized the posts below into the six stages of that transformation. Each piece stands alone, but together they tell one story: how something broken learns to become whole again.

I. The Shattering

The Blackness of Darkness (Shock Collar)

• This essay recounts my earliest experiences of physical and emotional abuse — and how those wounds shaped my nervous system, relationships, and sense of self. It’s an unflinching look at what happens when love and violence fuse in a child’s world, and how those patterns echo across a lifetime. This is not a story of blame, but of understanding — of tracing the lineage of trauma so it can finally stop repeating. It ends where healing begins: with self-parenting, gentleness, and the slow reclamation of safety.

Murder of Innocence (Shaping Water - part 2)

• When I was twelve, two tiny pet rats taught me the truth about cruelty. This story is one of the hardest I’ve written, but it was also a turning point in how I began to understand my father — and myself.

The Weight (Of Trauma)

• Trauma doesn’t just wound — it weighs. This is a litany of the heaviness I’ve carried, written not to collapse under it but to name it, so it can finally be set down.

II. The Descent

Deconditioning Everything I Was (Originally an Anonymous Reddit Post)

• Rock bottom was my altar. A broken spine became my teacher. In the ashes of exhaustion, I found ignition. This is the story of how I stopped trying to heal into safety and started living into power — how the man who once begged not to wake up learned to walk, dance, build, and burn again. It’s not about crawling out of the cave; it’s about launching from it like a rocket. This is the moment my life stopped being a trauma narrative and became a myth in motion.

The Eye of the Mountain (Discovering my Personal Myth)

• On a vision quest, I found a symbol that has guided me ever since: the eye of the mountain. This is the story of facing silence, fear, and hunger — and discovering the myths that shape our lives.

Talking to a Ghost (In the Mirror)

• For years, when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t just see myself — I saw a presence that haunted me. This piece is about facing that ghost differently, and how learning to speak with it became a way of reclaiming my own reflection.

III. The Disposition

The Chakra Series

• Healing isn’t just abstract — it lives in the body. This series is my attempt to map the lessons of trauma and wholeness onto the seven chakras, weaving together wounds, affirmations, and practices for each one.

The Root Chakra: the right to be (You Hold Me)

• Healing starts at the root. This piece is about rebuilding safety after fear, finding belonging in your own body, and remembering that the ground still holds you — even when everything else falls apart.

The Sacral / Navel Chakra: life force (You Accept Me)

• The sacral chakra is the tide of life moving through us — where discipline meets flow, and strength meets joy. This piece explores how guilt and fragmentation block our natural vitality, and how reclaiming innocence, desire, and movement reconnects us to pure creative life force.

The Solar Plexus chakra: identity (You Chose Me)

• The solar plexus is the forge of identity — where will becomes power and purpose takes shape. This piece explores how shame and control extinguish our inner fire, and how reclaiming agency, discipline, and self-trust allows us to generate energy from within instead of chasing it from others.

The Heart Chakra: connection (You Care for Me)

• The heart is the bridge between self and world — where love stops being a transaction and becomes our natural state. This piece explores how distrust and protection close us off from connection, and how forgiveness, gratitude, and presence reopen the flow of love through every part of life.

The Throat Chakra: voice (You Allow Me)

• The throat is where truth takes shape — the bridge between inner knowing and outer change. This piece explores how silence, fear, and distortion block our power, and how reclaiming honesty, courage, and disciplined action turns voice into leadership and words into reality.

The Third Eye Chakra: insight (You Know Me)

• The third eye is the lens of insight — where perception deepens into wisdom and intuition becomes trustworthy. This piece explores how confusion, cynicism, and fantasy cloud our vision, and how curiosity, alignment, and trust restore the ability to see truthfully — within and without.

The Crown Chakra: purpose (You Are Me)

• The crown is the gateway between the personal and the cosmic — where purpose, surrender, and awareness converge. This piece explores how addiction, distraction, and control sever our connection to meaning, and how devotion, trust, and presence reopen us to the quiet vastness of being part of everything.

IV. The Emergence

Father to Son (Initiation)

• This is a letter from a father I wish I had saying the things I wish I heard and which I wish my children would hear from me. It’s about how to raise a boy without breaking him, and how love can rewrite what violence once wrote in us.

The Love That Stayed (Was Not the Love I Wanted)

• A reflection on how love can awaken us — not by lasting forever, but by showing us what in us is ready to heal. This piece traces the transformation of heartbreak into wholeness: how another person’s presence can open the heart, how loss can reveal self-worth, and how endings can become thresholds. It’s not a story of romantic success, but of inner freedom — when love stops being something to earn, and becomes something to embody.

You Call It a Wasteland (I’m gonna waste it, baby!)

• Some people see ruin. I see the raw material of rebirth. This is a spoken-word meditation on destruction and what can grow in its ashes. It’s a battle cry of total commitment.

Unfurling (Shaping Water - part 1)

• This poem describes the moment when healing stops being a struggle and starts becoming an awakening. It’s not metaphorical — it’s the felt sense of a body, mind, and spirit reorganizing themselves into coherence. This poem captures that threshold: the wave of release when what was held by tension begins to move in balance, when fear turns to trust, and stillness gives birth to flow.

A Pariddle of Feral (Developmental Order - part 1)

• Inside us lives a hierarchy of creatures. This myth-poem is about captivity, ferality, and what it takes for the those parts of us to carry our souls to freedom.

V. The Offering

Resurrecting the Lost Technology of Grief (Shaping Water - part 3)

• Grief isn’t a stage you “get through.” It’s a living technology — a force that dismantles and remakes us. Here I share how grief works on the body, the spirit, and the community, and why learning its language is key to healing.

Emotional Rape (It’s okay not to stay)

• Abuse doesn’t always leave bruises. The deepest scars I carry came from manipulation, gaslighting, and domination that no one could see. This is my attempt to name the tactics of invisible abuse so they lose their power.

From Scarcity to Abundance, Through Hell (but gamified!) (A walkthrough through the dark night of the soul)

• Scarcity isn’t just about money — it’s the way trauma teaches us to live braced, small, never enough. This piece is about how I turned toward those demons and discovered that abundance isn’t about stuff — it’s about safety, wholeness and breath.

Venom to Medicine: the Alchemy of Growth (Exalting Our flaws)

• This essay explores the alchemy of shadow work — how our most painful flaws and defensive patterns can be transformed into mature, life-serving qualities. Drawing on trauma healing, nervous system science, and spiritual insight, it offers a step-by-step process for turning shame into honor, fear into courage, anger into boundaries, and envy into aspiration. It’s a practical guide to emotional evolution: noticing, accepting, grieving, and rechanneling the energy of our shadows until they become our greatest sources of wisdom and strength.

Write It in Blood if You Must (Thoughts on Suicide)

• This piece is an intimate guide through the landscape of suicidal despair — written by someone who has walked that path and survived it. I write not to shock, but to accompany: to show that even in the deepest darkness, there is a way through. With unflinching honesty, I describe years of living with suicidal thoughts, the paradox of endurance, and the quiet grace of surrender that eventually led to healing. It’s a letter to anyone who has ever felt the pull of oblivion, reminding them that they are not alone, and that their presence still matters deeply in this world.

VI. The Integration

Taming the Dragon (Life with Borderline Personality Disorder)

• Living with Borderline Personality Disorder felt like being chained to fire. Writing publicly about it became a way of taming that dragon — of turning intensity into clarity, and shame into voice.

Right Here, Right Now, Right You (Stay)

• Presence can feel elusive — like something always out of reach. This piece is a playful reminder that the only doorway is the one right in front of us: here, now, and the person you already are.

Yesterday Grief, Today Mischief (Gratitude for the Extremes)

• Our moods can feel like prisons — grief, scarcity, rejection, emptiness. But they always pass, and when they do, something new arrives: mischief, lightness, curiosity. This piece is about honoring emotional extremes as teachers instead of fighting them.

Between the Abyss and the Void (There’s a Line)

• Sometimes life feels like walking a knife-edge ridge: the abyss pulls you down, the void erases you. This poem is about finding balance when both sides threaten to consume you.

Breathe In (Breathe Out)

• This piece is a meditation on how each inhale and exhale can be a doorway into joy, sensitivity, and growth.

A Taste of Life (That Feeling)

• This is what aliveness tastes like — the press of the throttle, the rise of the sun, the shiver of being seen. This poem is a hymn to those fleeting, infinite moments when the body remembers joy and the heart no longer flinches. It’s about flying, dancing, loving, forgiving, and realizing that every sensation — even pain — is proof that you’ve come back to life.

The Elephant in the Room (Which side are you on?)

• We think of the elephant as something awkward we pretend not to see. But the one I faced was vaster, heavier — a presence that filled not just a room, but my whole sense of reality. This reflection is about using all of our senses to meet what’s always been there, silently shaping everything.

Paradoxes of Wholeness (The Polarity of Growth)

• Healing has taught me that everything has its opposite folded inside it. Safety comes through risk. Freedom comes from discipline. Strength comes from softness. These are the paradoxes I keep relearning.

Barefoot (Feeling the Earth Touch Back)

• This essay begins as a reflection on the simple act of walking without shoes — and unfolds into a lesson on sensitivity and connection. By feeling the earth directly, I explore how awareness in the body can ripple into awareness in relationships and daily life. It’s a piece about gentleness and remembering that belonging starts with attuned contact — with the ground, with others, with oneself.

The Helm of Dustiny (Alignment and orientation)

• This is an art piece to bring tomorrow into today and to find alignment and orientation in life.

This collection is more than a record of healing — it’s an evolving myth.

Every piece was written in real time, through real pain, in search of real freedom.

Thank you for walking part of that path with me. I hope these words help you remember that you’re not alone — and that your story, too, is a living myth in motion.