From Scarcity to Abundance, Through Hell (but gamified!)

Scarcity isn’t just about money — it’s the way trauma teaches us to live braced, small, never enough. This piece is about how I turned toward those demons and discovered that abundance isn’t about stuff — it’s about safety, wholeness, and breath.

There are two ways to live: from scarcity and from abundance. I know more about the former but I have a vision for the later and I intend to get there. They call this path the dark night of the soul. This is a post about the demons I befriended along the way.

Scarcity Mindset

Scarcity rests on a core belief of lack: resources, success, time, energy, love, money. Also, that you are not enough, for yourself and for others.

It's characterized by a feeling of tightness. You treat every need as a liability and every desire as a luxury. If someone else succeeds, you believe there's less left for you. You chase attention, success and love but you fear them too. You live like everything could vanish in a minute, so you never truly appreciate what you have, and you grasp for more, more, more. You get what you want primarily through performance. You avoid risk, you are guarded, suspicious, you play it small because every mistake feels catastrophic—and so you end up spiraling into the very defeat you were trying to avoid.

Abundance Mindset

Abundance begins with a belief of plenty: there is enough to go around, even if there's loss, more can be attained. There is a certainty that you are enough. Enough for others, and enough for yourself. This is an expansive, trusting and open mindset. At the core of it, there's a deep sense of safety and belonging. Other people's success is an inspiration and a demonstration of possibility.

When you are not afraid of loss, you take risks, you are more willing to try again and learn from failure. You are open to growth and abundance. You never lose, because you either win or you learn! You know that your needs are gifts and your desires are power. You can give and receive freely, without chasing and grasping. Life flows. Rejection is information. You can be driven by curiosity and creativity. Your energy can go towards exploration, experimentation and building. You attract other like minded people and the circle continues and reinforces itself; the better it gets, the better it gets.

How to move from one to the other. Bad news, you have to go through hell. Good news, there is a way through. And this is a walkthrough! Sorry no pictures this time.

• Lean into pain gently and persistently.

• Befriend your anger.

• Confront your negative beliefs about yourself and the world.

• Grieve.

• Dance.

• Transform shame into honor.

• Learn to face all your fears intentionally and fast.

• Give it time.

• Rest.

• Convince your lower brain that you are safe.

• Hug a stuffy.

• Practice.

• Exercise.

• Stop all your addictions.

• Go no contact with all abusive people in your life.

• Stop trading the present for the future.

• Live in the moment.

Easy peasy.

If this sounds like a lot for one lifetime, now you know why a belief in reincarnation is essential. And why it's convenient to add that you chose this life when you came into it.

Let's play the game of peeling the onion of trauma!

First Boss - Pain (the tutorial level)

Our culture teaches us to run from pain. We fear it, we hide from it, we push away the people that seem to cause it. But pain is just an alarm bell, it's heightened sensitivity to a stimulus. There is no punishment inside the pain--only information. It's just your nervous system shouting: this is important, pay attention. And you don't, so it cranks up the volume until something breaks and you find yourself in a hospital bed with no distractions so you can listen and learn.

You need to know that pain is your friend, your mentor, your compass. But you don't have to delve into it with reckless abandon (like I do). You approach it slowly, gently, carefully, with love. You stay where it's tolerable and focus on it. There is no difference between physical and emotional pain. None. You treat it the same. As you spend time with it, and often it only takes a few seconds, it starts receding and taking shape.

Suddenly, what seemed like a giant abstract flare, starts showing a topography and an architecture. And you are able to get even closer to it. Get curious and get caring. Cry, it's called grief. Grief is how you digest pain.

As you increase the capacity of your nervous system through discipline and practice (physical exercise can do wonders here) you can go faster and take on more. You will see it shrink. Until one day it will be just a tiny little poppy seed, ready for the last round and then you will hold it with gratitude, even nostalgia, because the next moment it will be gone. Forever. Until next time.

Second Boss - Anger (easy mode)

Another one we avoid, resent and blame. We're afraid of it, we hold it back, we bottle it up. We let manipulators use it as proof that we're guilty: you got angry so, obviously, you are wrong. Funny, how it's also the same people who want to have it the other way: I am angry so you must have done something wrong (it's called emotional reasoning, look it up). It's almost the right idea but the finger has to turn toward yourself: I'm angry. What is this showing me? What do I need to do?

Being angry is not wrong, it shows you that you care and that your boundaries are being violated. You get to have boundaries. You get to protect them. How do you know what they are? Ask your anger. Politely and calmly. It gives pretty succinct answers. And if you need a minute to hear it, it's fine to say: this is not working for me.

Thus, your anger can become assertiveness and a guide for fairness. It can even become righteous and clean, even when it burns wildly. There is a lot to rage about in this world.

What if my anger is a violent storm that can hurt people? Well, my friend, you have been neglecting your boundaries for a long time. Go back to the tutorial, punch a pillow and stomp your feet, until the pain can take over and you can metabolize it through grief.

Third Boss - Sadness (puzzle level)

Sadness, self neglect, victimhood, helplessness, desperation, exhaustion, self destruction. This one sucks you in deep!

Stay. Be on your side. Rest. Don't ask too much of yourself.

Self care. Softness. Holding. Contact. Grief.

Know your needs. Meet them. Every day.

Find the critical inner voice that tells you you are guilty, flawed, not enough, too much, not perfect, ugly, despicable, wrong. Remember, you belong to you. Learn to be on your side. Let the inner protector defend you from others not from yourself. Remember there is no should or must, only want to and choose to.

Nobody's will power is infinite. You get to rest. Put down the weight you are holding. You don't have to hold all the pieces up in the air and solve the puzzle correctly all at once. The ground is firm enough to hold you and the pieces. You can solve it one at a time.

You can't win this game alone. You are not alone. You don't have to do it all alone. We are social creatures, we need to learn coping, soothing and emotional regulation from others. We are not born knowing how to hold ourselves. Pay for conscious company, there is no money better spent. If you never heard a compassionate voice in your life, you can't invent it without someone teaching it to you--body to body, soul to soul. There is no way to change the harsh and critical inner voice to an empathetic and patient one without someone else modelling it for you.

To put it more succinctly, sadness means you are under-resourced. It means you need help. And your needs are gifts to the people who care about you. This is how you connect with friends and community. Don't deprive them with your independence. And if this sounds like something you never had, my friend, you got to unleash your anger.

Fourth Boss - Shame (this is where the game gets real)

Shame is based on negative beliefs about yourself and the world. I'm not worthy. I'm not enough. I'm too much. I have something to hide. The world is a hostile place. Everyone is against me. I can't trust anyone. If people know me they will reject me. I'm a victim, there's nothing I can do, I will always fail.

Where do they come from? Parents. Shame gets handed down through generations; the more we shed it now the less we will hand down to our children. Show me someone who's been perfectly parented, they are rare. Most of us didn’t win that lottery but our kids can.

Find a way to be witnessed by others in your truth and authenticity. Do it in small steps. People want to know you, give them that gift. You don't have to write a substack about your deepest secrets. Start with therapy, men's groups, women's groups, authentic relating. Learn what we were always meant to have in our friendship and community.

You have to be witnessed and realize that the things you thought you would be ostracized for can be accepted. Or you have to get abandoned and realize that you can tolerate it. When you realize that you are bigger than your shame, it won't weight you down any more.

Get someone to see you, know you, validate you, accept you, care about you, let you be you, affirm you, etc. Yes, basically, get loved. For who you are, not for who you perform to be. This one's a bit of a catch-22. You need to be able to do this to yourself but you can't do it without someone else showing you how.

I know, it makes me sad and angry too but it’s amazing what you can build out of scraps.

Final Boss - Fear (easier than you'd think)

Fear: abandonment, rejection, ostracization, falling short, failure. Self sabotage. Avoidance. This is the center. The final boss. The hydra at the middle of the maze.

Bad news, you have to face all your worst fears. There's no way around this. You have to build calluses in the raw, bleeding places. You have to throw yourself into the fire. And you have to walk through it. You have to make rejection a practice. You need to learn to take damage. You have to persist with discipline. Treat your fears like your bucket list.

Don't overthink it. Go at it. When you do, your nervous system will learn that you can.

If you've been suicidal before then what is there left to run from?

Did I win? Did I win?

We all won.

This is not the kind of work that happens overnight, or even overlife.

This is not the work that happens for yourself, but for the collective.

We are all in this game together.