The Inner Core

Beneath the layers of coping,
decades of suffering,
years of healing.

In the very center of the pain,
compressed
under the gravity of a million suns,

there is life.

The kernel still holding
under the crushing weight.

The one place
that remained without contact.

This is the part of me
that held against all odds.

Contorted under the terror of violence,
the coldness of neglect,
the cruelty of gaslighting.

Living and working with people
who threatened, lied and backstabbed.

Surrounded by others
who ignored, justified, permitted.

Under the layers of betrayal,
anger, shame, guilt, fear.

Untouched.
Holding the breath.
Waiting.

Let down by everyone,
including me.

Not trusting anything.
Just feeling the immense pressure.

Somehow still persisting
moment to moment.

One at a time.

Begging for it all to end.

Not asking for love,
hope,
care
or presence.

Asking for death.
Craving death.

Still not letting go.

That's the part
that I'm touching now.

Holding it
so it no longer has to hold
on its own.

Not being it.
Being with it.

Recognizing the resilience,
the immense endurance,
the extraordinary capacity.

Alive against all odds.

A flowerbud of will,
finally unfurling,
unconstrained.

No longer begging for annihilation.

The portal into reality
melting open.

Reality not organized around trauma
but around aliveness
and contact.