Worshiping Absence

Underneath the damage, the anger, the shame.
Beyond the fear and the coping mechanisms.
The most insidious impact of trauma is the orientation
towards the hurtful and the unavailable.

Alertness about potential damage.
Imagined rejection. The avoidant one.
Leaning in when the other leans away.
Becoming alert in absence.
Mistaking distance for importance.
Organizing around what can go wrong.
Rejecting yourself before others beat you to it.
Externalizing the emotional center.

Organizing around productivity, alertness, urgency.
Around anticipation: proving, explaining, performing.
Avoiding disapproval and abandonment.
Earning recognition, validation, success.
Performing for imagined judges.
Striving for approval and permission
from people who do not care about you.
Trying to make it work with partners
who don’t reciprocate your efforts.
Trying to awaken. To rescue. To fix.

Carrying the fears and pain of people long gone.
Not knowing there’s another way to live.

At the cost of knowing yourself.
At the cost of ignoring what’s most alive.
Closing your heart to the people
already reaching towards you.
The warmth already here.
Your life organized around avoiding loss
instead of meeting your needs,
following your curiosity,
expressing your creativity,
connecting to what’s true and life-giving.
Reciprocating aliveness.
Rejoicing in warmth and softness.
Embracing presence and wholeness.

Remember:
vigilance is not safety,
longing is not love,
absence is not depth,
productivity is not worth,
busyness is not life.

Don’t worship anticipation
and overlook reality.