The End of Healing

It's somewhat disorienting 
to have all the things 
that used to trigger me happen 
and not get the old expected reaction. 

I casually do dozens of things every day
that used to cause panic or meltdown
without even noticing. 

Things like expressing a need,
asking for help, 
taking a no, 
trying something new, 
being available
without expecting anything.

I can even write a simple poem
without making it clever or impressive. 

I'm kind of unfazed 
but then I don't know 
what to do next. 

Feeling despondent and desperate 
at least was familiar. 
Now I have to figure out 
how to fill the space...

And I don't even have the same sense of urgency 
to fill that absence. 
I just kind of stay with it.

And guess what's hiding 
in that absence!
Desire. 

Not a compensation for an unmet childhood need. 
Not an attempt to replace one thing with another. 

Just pure and simple desire
for pure and simple things. 

It's not a new breakthrough,
it's a complete change of orientation.
Not a new direction but a consolidation
that was not available before. 

The project is over not because
there's nothing more to heal
but because it no longer has to be a project. 

And, yes, there's immense grief
that this was blocked for 40 years... 
But suddenly I enjoy my life. 

I used to think I wasn't enough. 
Now I know I am, 
I just don't have enough. 
And that's a much better problem to have.