Rock Bottom Has a Key Hole

When you are doing all the work
but nothing seems to stick.
The results are not there.
The world is apathetic.
The funds are running out.

You can’t meet your commitments.
The outcomes are disappointing.
The people and institutions fail you.

Nobody sees.
Nobody cares.
Nobody is there for you.

Even when they do care,
the receiving is blocked:
the nervous system is so conditioned to neglect
that it wouldn’t believe them.

Nothing you do is good enough,
it’s either too much or too little.

So you perform and pretend,
entertain and please,
hide and deceive,
chasing the dopamine of validation
and... yeah it’s exhausting.

You view the world as a hostile place,
and all the people with suspicion.
Fear of anticipated punishment is debilitating.
This cycle of hopelessness is endless,
The torture is too much.

You feel pathetic, small, insignificant.
Exhausted, depleted, empty.
Stupid, worthless, inadequate.
The voice inside your head is so loud.

The tension is unbearable.
It feels like your head will explode.
You just want to numb, distract, dissociate, blame
but the nervous system is too overwhelmed
even for those trusted coping strategies.

And that’s where the solution appears.
You say:
it feels like the world is rejecting me,
I may as well help it.
There’s no hope anyway.
Why take the pain?
I’m already more dead than alive.

That voice is right.
The version of you that’s collapsing
cannot sustain you any longer.
It’s ineffective and needs to die
and make space for something new.

This is the key hole
that you need to squeeze through.
And you are right,
you can’t do it
with all your burdens and attachments.

You need to let go of the old self
to pass through.
But it’s not the body
that you need to let go of.
It’s everything else.
This keyhole is shaped
so only your physical body can get through.

Not the beliefs.
Not the hopes.
Not the identity.
Not the people around you,
Nor the ones in your head.

Surrender and acceptance are not optional.
Only then can you emerge on the other side
and start your life on firmer ground.
One unencumbered by the noise
of trauma, coping mechanisms,
old beliefs about yourself and the world.

Your body and your nervous system
Already have all the answers.
Past the rock bottom,
After giving up shame and guilt,
The blank slate is yours.

Where you can receive
without clinging.
Where you don’t try to control
the things that you can’t control.

Where you can observe
the divine comedy of life
for the ridiculous and improbable
spectacle that it is.

And where the spiral of desperation
is only a fading memory
that’s hard to feel into
even when you need it
for a damn poem.