The Practice of Imperfection

Here’s a picture.

Me, shriveling at the thought that my father’s hand is about to hit me for the smallest imperfection. His father leaning over him. And his grandfather looming over both of them. And so on endlessly for who knows how many generations of fear and violence perpetuating the self-defeating cycle over and over...

The cycle that ends with me. So my children could make a mistake without fearing a beating. So they can take chances, explore who they are and grow from their mistakes. So they don’t have to watch their every move with suspicion and hesitation. So that they can find themselves before they’re 40.

And I know that even that’s an illusion. Stopping violence is not enough. My kids will bear the cost of me criticizing them, being strict, being harsh when they make mistakes. They will know the chilling sensation of me breaking the connection when they don’t get something right. The shadow of my dad still looms over them.

My healing came too late for them to avoid damage. I’m responsible for it. And I grieve it too. I think they will do better than just blame me. I’m also giving them the tools to understand and do their own healing. Most importantly, I’ll be there for them when they need me.

The hardest thing to do is to become what you needed and never had. And I’m fucking damn doing it.

Allowing myself to make mistakes. To not be perfect all the time. To not be my very best self with every action with every word. To not optimize every minute of every day.

To know that a mistake is not the end of the world and that I don’t need to panic, disconnect and react frantically.

To take chances. To goof around. To be just a little irresponsible. To be just a little late. To get distracted. To waste time. To be lazy. To not compensate for everyone else.

To stop expecting a crisis, a collapse and a punishment behind every corner.

To sing out of tune. To miss a beat. To be seen learning. To be seen as flawed and to let it be.

To be seen! And not close the connection and not to carry it all in isolation.

To experiment. To fail. To learn.

To laugh. To allow joy. To not move past every good thing that ever happens as if the house is on fire. But to stay and really feel it.

To live. To remember something positive.