Don’t Stop, Just Notice

This is a post about addiction but before you roll your eyes hear this: I’m not here to lecture you that addiction is bad and that you should willfully stop. Most of the time, that’s brutally hard and even when you’re successful it comes back, often with vengeance, or in another shape. Honestly, I’m not sure that modern life is even survivable without some addictions. This is not about willpower. But I’m also not here to say that we’re powerless and should just accept our predicament passively and blindly.

Full disclosure, I’m not an expert on the neuroscience of habit formation. I’ve broken a number of addictions but I haven’t broken them all. I have a lot of willpower and most of the time I can just decide to stop doing whatever it is. For example, I’ve done it with alcohol, porn and marriage. But that’s of limited usefulness because the problem is hardly ever the addiction itself.

Addiction is not a pathology, it’s an adaptation. And the beautiful thing about adaptation is that it can adapt again. Addiction grows out of chronically unmet needs: safety, connection, belonging, aliveness, rest. Often, given the time we live in, they are relational in nature. When those needs aren’t met, our nervous system improvises and finds ways to cope. Whatever gives relief, even temporarily.

When pain is not held, it leads to trauma, and trauma leads to self neglect, and self neglect leads to coping, and coping leads to distraction, addiction and performance. But that part of you that was hurt never stops hurting. You just disconnect from it. So when you reconnect with it you feel the original pain and the pain of the years of neglect on top of it. And that's why real healing hurts. Take it slow.

Once the underlying needs are noticed and met the addiction goes away without trying too hard. But that’s not easy when you’ve spent your whole life without it. It’s not just behavior modification, it’s identity transformation. Maybe the hardest thing there is.

So instead of “how do I quit?”, here are two gentler questions:

Can I redirect the addictive impulse somewhere less harmful?

And by less harmful I don’t mean productivity, cleaning the house, fixing things, planning the next event, work, career, kids, hobbies, etc. you get the drift.

If your system needs stimulation, soothing, pain release, intensity or escape, give it something that doesn’t depleet and destroy you. My two favorites are movement and learning.

Exercise is a way to use pain to build capacity. This isn’t punishment or fixing your body. Movement can give you aliveness, strength and agency. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy and you don’t have to exert yourself. Just 5 minutes of strength and power training daily can go a long way. And it is ridiculously addictive!

I recommend keeping a light kettlebell around and just busting out 10 swings every minute on the minute for 5-10 minutes every day. Or just do a few squats or pushups. It’s just as energizing as coffee. Watch what it will do to you over time. At the very least, it will direct your attention back to your body. And that is the answer to every problem.

Another useful habit that’s a bit more tricky to get addicted to is reading or learning. Books are best; long form is incredibly soothing to a stressed out nervous system. It’s been my main shelter all childhood. You don’t have to try to develop a reading habit off the bat. It’s all about taking the smallest possible steps.

For example, chances are you’re already addicted to Youtube shorts or Tiktok. Don’t be too hard on yourself and try to replace that with reading. Just try to steer it in the educational direction. There’s a lot of good content out there. Try the ones about trauma and addiction! Slowly, you can transition to longer form videos and reading but do it at your own pace.

Can I simply notice without forcing anything?

This one is deceptively subtle but mighty. You can call it mindfulness or presence but it’s really just paying attention. Notice the urge for addictive behavior before you engage in it. Don’t stop it, don’t force anything. Just notice. Take a breath. Give it some thought.

- What’s the impulse?
- Where is it coming from?
- How does your body feel?
- How’s your day been?
- What is it about the situation that’s causing the urgency?
- What are the common patterns?
- How do you feel when you fulfill the desire?
- Can you get just a little bit more satisfaction in any way?
- How can you be more kind to yourself this moment?
- What emotions are you experiencing? Before, during and after.
- Do you feel ashamed, guilty, empty, numb?

Pause is power.

This is hard. You're not going to want to do this. The pain of the neglected need is acute and neglected: you immediately and automatically want to go to the addiction or distraction because that's what numbs the pain. But that's the core of the neglect: the pain and the addictive soothing are fused because your nervous system never had the option to actually meet the underlying need; neglect and soothe has always been the pattern that happened simultaneously.

Recognizing a neglected part is painful because you've been disconnected from it. Reconnecting with the hurt part will hurt because you have to acknowledge the previous neglect. But once you do, it goes away. Integration happens. The fuse breaks. You become more whole. “Choice takes place of automation and reactivity.”

That's our opportunity for real healing. You’ll be surprised how attunement and curiosity can snowball. This practice is life giving and it accumulates over time. You can start whenever and, with time, you can go deeper:

- What is the craving underneath the craving?
- What if you delay for a moment?
- What if you make that moment longer?
- What if you divert - go on a walk, connect?
- Are you trying to soothe pain?
- Create aliveness? Control? Suppress grief? Avoid vulnerability? Helplessness?
- Do you reach for it automatically?
- Does it provide the relief you expected or just emptiness and numbness?
- Do you feel smaller after?
- What’s the quality of your thoughts? Is it judgement, dismissal, contempt?
- Are you ashamed of anything? Why? Where does the shame come from?

Most addictions dissolve not because we get stronger but because we get more aware and resourced. When the system is safe and connected, it doesn’t need substitutes. The point is not to beat yourself up. You’re not broken, you’re adapting. And you can adapt towards something better. Without force, without shame, through curiosity, compassion and presence.

And before I let you go, one more thing. Just noticing is the first step. Just noticing with someone else is the second.