Dating Profiles

Him

Mostly here for rejection practice but also hoping to find a woman who reminds me of Mommy to project my childhood insecurities to and help me with laundry.

Hobbies: distraction, consumption, numbing. Also, I love to travel because superficial consumption in another place is how you find yourself.

I’m looking for deep connection but I disappear when that’s actually offered. I’m looking for a partner who mirrors me perfectly and then thanks me for the reflection.

I’m secretly hoping for something casual like denial. I’m poly because that’s the most effective way to practice commitment. My love languages are over analyzing and passive aggression.

I’m in touch with my feelings (when throwing a tantrum). I’m soft and warm (childishness) but masculine (I mean angry). Emotionally available (only when feeling like a victim). I’m good at taking initiative as long as you go first.

I have a well paying tech job so I know I’m ready for love. What I really want in a relationship is oblivion through sex and projection.

I found a way to maintain both boundaries and fantasies; it’s called ghosting.

Relationship deal breaker: if you don’t get my sense of humor.

Her

If I like you, I’ll withdraw and expect you to chase me. If you do, I’ll know you’re the one for me because I can do it again.

And again.

I’ll include no text in my profile because I’m looking for someone to look past my looks. I don’t want to waste time, I want to waste potential. I love connection, just not when it’s happening.

I’ll objectify myself so it’s easier for you to do it too. Sexual attraction is the best way to know long term relationship material.

I’m looking for someone emotionally unavailable enough to make me feel at home. I crave intimacy but only conceptually.

I’m looking for a secure partner, so I can relax (into my chaos). I want you to surprise me, I love spontaneity (as long as it’s predictable). I’m a great communicator (until you disagree).

I will make you like me by listing all the things I do on a given Saturday. Farmers markets are sexy. Being activity partners is called compatibility.

I’ll tell you I’m in therapy so you know I’m available for trauma bonding but I’m secretly hoping a relationship will solve all my problems.

I’m not high maintenance, I’m just looking for someone to fix my attachment wounds without triggering them.